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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Starvation/Lactation Diet

These days, lots of people are creating fad diets and making a good deal of money off of them. This seems like the type of bandwagon on which I would like to jump. Without further ado, I present, for your weight-loss enjoyment:

The Starvation/Lactation Diet: Let Your Little Ones Suck the Pounds Right Off!
Your children can drain more than just your patience!!

Real-Life Testimony!! At just 5 weeks after giving birth, I've already lost not only all the pregnancy weight, but another 10 entire pounds! And I did it all by simply following the Starvation/Lactation Diet!

The key to the Starvation/Lactation diet is three-fold: Firstly, lactation burns an extra 5-600 calories a day - just through milk production - a natural process requiring no additional effort. Simply give birth and begin nursing. It's as easy as maintaining a newborn human's life! Secondly, a short exercise routine revolving around the baby - you won't even realize it's exercise! And thirdly, and this part is really central to the process of the diet, is starvation. All you have to do is forget to eat! With a newborn around the house, this is much easier than you'd think, especially if the baby is colicky. You'll be so consumed with trying to stop the baby's incessant and inconsolable crying (exercising!), you won't even remember you're supposed to be hungry!

There is minimal equipment required for success. All you need is a baby (preferably colicky) and an empty cupboard (although this is also typically unnecessary, as you're going to be so busy, you won't likely remember that there's food in the house!). An exercise ball is also optional. So go get yourself knocked up, wait 9 months, and get ready to embark on the easiest diet of your life!

Unlike traditional fad diets that necessitate mixing up and drinking diet shakes or gallons of fruit juice, the S/L Diet calls for no confusing measuring and mixing of drinks or calorie counting. Instead of counting the number of shakes or snack bars you're allowed to consume in a day, the S/L Diet simplifies all this math for you in a clear, easy way: none! You are, however, allowed to drink as much coffee as you can possibly handle. Drink as much as you need to get through the day (excessive coffee consumption will also provided an added benefit to the exercise aspect of the diet plan)! If you sip the coffee throughout the day, you can actually confuse your stomach and mind into thinking you're not even hungry in the first place!

Now on to the exercise. Although it's not necessary, having a colicky baby will help to motivate you in the exercise routine. When the baby starts incessantly crying, simple stand and do in excess of 400 knee-bends and arm raises (making sure to support baby's head in all movements). When you eventually feel like your knees and shoulders have turned to mush, you can graduate to wrapping the baby in a Moby wrap and bouncing on your exercise ball for anywhere up to 5 hours a day. If your baby isn't colicky, and doesn't "motivate" you for 3 or more hours a day, you have to remember to do the exercises on your own. Maybe poking the baby in the face (gently!) to wake him/her up too early from a nap will enable you to get the screaming results desired.

The simple act of producing human milk will complete your routine, giving you all the benefit of extra burned calories with minimal work. Simply ensure that baby nurses upwards of 12 times a day - that's every two hours for at least 20 minutes per feeding (that's only 240 minutes a day, for those of you too burned out by all that confusing math of other diet plans!). If you planned on doing anything else during this time, you can forget about it! You'll be too busy getting the body you've always dreamt of*!

(*The S/L Diet Co. takes no responsibility for your "dream body" being a post-children body that you've simply resigned yourself to having.)

It's that simple! Nurse constantly, spend hours a day trying to soothe a baby by bouncing vertically, and refrain from eating, and you, too, can get amazing postpartum results!!

1 comment:

  1. This is too funny. Ah, things to look forward to (very soon!!).

    I think, even if our little lady is well-behaved, our dogs (especially Chip, the pudgy, annoying, incessant, attention-starved chihuahua) will make sure I stay occupied. :)